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Grief Healing

Of that which is transient and subject to suffering and change, one cannot rightly say: `This belongs to me; this am I; this is my Self'.

The Buddha

 
I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chatted all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
 
Grief Healing from The Healing NetworkI walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne're a word said she;
But oh, the things
I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me.
 
by
Robert Browning

The Nature of Grief

This page was never planned when we originally thought of this web site.  In common with the rest of the site, it appears to have ‘just evolved’ out of the general atmosphere and aims of the site itself.

I suppose it was the connection with a friend Lynda, and her memorial page for her brother Steven that first put the idea in my mind.  And the fact that through the 20 years or more that I have worked as a consultant clairvoyant, and counsellor.  I would say that almost a third of the people that have consulted me in the past years, have been in a profound state of grief, whether this was grief for a loved one who had passed over, or for the painful ending of a relationship.  And really there is very little difference between the two I have discovered, and the effect that they have both physically and mentally and spiritually. 

We tend to think of grief as a stage we have to go through when we lose someone precious to us.  It is in fact much more than that, it affects us to the very deepest levels of our being, and can make it, in some cases, almost impossible for us to function in a normal way for a considerable length of time.

I would prefer to class grief as an illness, and like most illnesses it has its beginning its middle and its ending, and each stage of that illness is different.  If you were to visit a grief counsellor, they would take you through the stages, and give you an approximate time scale as to how and when you may begin to feel differently about things, and what those differences would be.  Personally whilst I agree with this, I do not believe that a time can be put on grief, except the time that we allowed to it ourselves.  For some people it can be a matter of a year, or two years, for others it can almost be a lifetime.

One thing I believe to be certain, no matter how we recover from the loss of a loved one, we are never quite the same person again!

To bring healing to any part of the body or the mind, we must first understand what it is that is making it unhappy, or ill.  If we see grief in a similar light, and gain some sort of understanding of why we feel how we do, then we can begin to this least learn to function with it instead of in spite of it.

One thing that I found very useful, and perhaps useful is a gross understatement, I would rather say lifesaving, at a time of profound grief, was to actually go with the grief, and almost structure it into my day.

Instead of trying to keep a brave face, and deny the overwhelming urge to burst into tears at inappropriate times!  (Which we all do in deep and painful grief,) I spent a little time each morning, surrounding myself with all the bits and pieces that were important to the people that I had lost (my Mother and Father) in a place that I'd set aside in a bedroom, and had also added fresh flowers, incense, and all the little things that we find and keep that are pretty.  And in this safe and healing environment, I would then allow myself to think the thoughts that I knew would bring the unstoppable tears, the tears that leave you wretched and exhausted!

As time went on, I built into this grieving time, a time limit.  As first for a couple of hours, where after my grief and tears were exhausted, I could rest and recover and build up my energy once again.  And, eventually, 15 minutes.  Where recovery time was quicker, and when I stepped out of the room (which I called my healing room,) I stepped out of that time and that space, and into everyday life again.

This is something that I discovered from myself, that helped me enormously during a terrible time.  But for you it might be different, what I'm trying to say here is, that for each of us there is a way of coping, and hopefully limiting the effect that this sort of deep grieving can have on us.

I believe that the most important thing is to be good to ourselves during this time.  We are at our most weak and vulnerable when grieving, and prone to make decisions that maybe in other circumstances, we would never have made.

Good friends are invaluable at this time, and a true friend will have the courage and confidence to bring to your attention situations that might ultimately cause you distress.

When immersed in grief, it is often impossible to make rational decisions.  Sometimes we need to wait for the grief to lessen its hold on us, before we can really reconnect with our world through our tears, and see our path clearly.

Sometimes it is difficult enough in this situation, simply managing from day-to-day, without having to initiate changes or make decisions.  And so if they can be avoided, shelved even for a little while, this is often the most sensible course to take.

I cannot stress enough, the necessity for taking care of yourself when in this situation.  Almost to the point of standing outside yourself, and seeing what it is that this poor grieving person that is you, needs, and cosseting them for a while.

All things end.  Whether we like it or not, how we feel changes as time goes on.  It is often said that “time is a great healer,” but I know from personal experience that this is not comforting at all, when you're in the deepest depths of grief!  Nevertheless, it is so.  And although you may never be the same person that you once were again, your life will go on, along the path that has been mapped out for it.  And there will be joys of a different sort, and all that you have loved of the person who is gone, will live in your heart, and will bring you comfort in future days.

 

They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,

Love, desire and hate:

I think they have no portion in us after

We pass the gate.

 

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:

Out of a misty dream

Our path emerges for a while, then closes

Within a dream.

 

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